Sinking into Deppression

I realized today that Mental Illness has nothing to do with the ideas I have. All of my ideas and beliefs are "right" although some of them may be misconceptions. Believing in conspiracies for example does not mean I am crazy. I think Mental Illness has more to do with the inability to care for my physical needs and relate to others at times in my life because of my thought processes (or EGO) becoming faulty or different.

Because I have been diagnosed with Bipolar there are some people in my family who honestly believe that at all times my ideas and thoughts are wrong and to understand me means that they too are flirting with insanity. What do I do with this new information? Is it information or is it a judgment as a reaction to the fear my loved ones had to my recent manic episode? Knowing that mania is usually followed by a depression can I trust any of my thoughts right now?

The depression feels like a pit in my heart. One filled with pain. I feel shame about this feeling because I know I'm not my highest self. I find my thoughts wanting to blame those around me because anger is easier to feel than shame. It's also safer for me. I don't want to go down the road of self loathing. So where does all this negativity come from? The medication? Fear of all the changes in my life? Fear of success or failure? Just fear.

I fear people looking at me as crazy. That thought envelopes me and that is clearly from ego. The truth is I am an artist who is highly creative in both making beautiful pictures and in creating radical ideas to solve problems. This is not different from others as we all have amazing gifts of our own. But what is different from some is that I don't care about taking care of my personal needs, like earning money to eat and pay rent ect. I would rather spend my time creating either art or solutions. That makes me dependent financially and people resent me for that. And they judge me as crazy. They see me as not a whole person. As someone faulty who needs others to take care of me.

I didn't realize this before but it is true. If I don't find a way to financially support myself I am faulty. Just getting married to my husband and allowing him to support me doesn't work for me. I lose my personal power that way. I can't decide how to live in ways like what clothes to wear, what to eat, what my surroundings are or when I can change these things. I lose a lot of my choices. (Of course it doesn't help that my husband and my tastes are almost opposite.)

So I think right now these negative emotions and thoughts are connected to my inability to earn a living. I believe things like "money is the root of all evil" and "people would do anything for money." While greed often causes horrific suffering, money has often caused the end of suffering. Unfortunately right now our basic human needs cost a lot of money. I certainly don't think it has to be this way, but it is. So money is necessary for me right now. (That statement stings!)

I would like to help create a world where money isn't needed to live a healthy life. Or at least one where everyone has the means to earn it. I have some ideas about that but am waiting for other people to collaborate with. That is futile though. So in the meantime I need to start making money. Ugggg

Today I will do something even for half an hour to do that.

Out of my Manic Episode

I've been trying to make sense of my recent Manic Episode. I was up for many days, and had some beautiful personal revelations and experiences but it all came at a high price to those around me. I lost the ability to reason and time and space fell away for me. So with that I could no longer take care of my physical needs nor could I care for those around me who I had interdependence with. But beyond that I wanted to share my new experiences with my loved ones. I would call them or see them over and over and as I could not reason I lost my ability to communicate with them in any sense of the word. I became a burden that was draining my support of their health and happiness.

I have bipolar and so become depressed and manic at times. I get the depression at least twice a year and have learned to allow it and burden the people around me as little as possible. I haven't had the Mania in 15 years, at least not to this degree. It has always scared me in the past so I learned to avoid it. Recently I've been changing, by trying not to isolate and allowing myself to be who I really am, a social, adventurous person. I lost a lot of my irrational fears that use to block me in many ways.

The people in my life leaned toward the cautious side, even teetered on depression themselves. I've been meeting new people though. Some of whom embrace life and take risks and are successful sometimes.

Then I moved, and lost all my tools to help me cope and I slid rapidly into Mania. While I was accomplishing personal growth, almost all of my old relationships have been damaged, not just by the mania but by my new outlook. I get angry with those of my friends who hold the scared, cautious views that once drew us together and then bonded us. I am not really angry at them and don't blame or judge them for their beliefs, I am angry at myself for holding those thoughts for so long, thinking I was safe in that place. I was a prisoner and I knew it. I resented myself but didn't know how else to "survive." So as I change I see a lot of my old friends and family slip out of my life or gain a new distance at least. This is a huge loss for both me and them. It is something I need to allow and accept in order to be the person I'm meant to become. I wish happiness and peace to those I am not close to any longer. And to myself.

So now I'm working on not fearing the mania. I will lose all fear and hatred of both my depression and mania. The key is balance. Balance in all aspects of my life. I suspect that then I will become a whole, functioning, thriving human being. When I feel myself becoming depressed or manic I will notice and then nurture myself accordingly. When depressed I will slow my life down and take extra care of my needs like nutrition and social contact. When I become hypo-manic I will also slow down and use the extra energy toward my many projects while paying extra attention to my physical needs like sleep and special time alone.

I know myself best and am the only one who can give me exactly what I need. It's time to stop wanting others to understand me and care for me. I get understanding and care from those around me but no-one is as important for that as myself. Knowing myself means others can care for and love me. Caring for and loving myself means others can know me. I can know me. That isn't scary at all, that's exciting, adventurous and full of hope.

As I discover my needs and get them met I suspect my bipolar will lessen. I won't fear this disease any longer. I will use it to become my highest self, the best that I can.

From Shame to LOVE

Today was very difficult for me. I've been through many changes lately and in the process lost my old ego. I am now or becoming the woman I always knew I was. My problem today is that the few people left in my life don't see me yet, they only have eyes for the old me. And when they see the new me talk they say well that's not Heather... something must be wrong with her.

You see when I change the people around me mourn the old me. They say if she is the true Heather then I've lost the one I've grown to love. This new person feels different, strange, weird and she doesn't make sense. She reflects my ugliness not only my beauty. I don't like this new veiw, this new truth. I miss the Heather who sees me shine when everyone else says I'm scuffed.

It's like they've become addicted to me reflecting only their beauty to them. I will always be able to do that for them, don't they see that. But is it fair to ask me to hide all the shadows I see in them too. If others need me to show them the beautiful perfect person inside, that's fine. But now I've become a side show freak, to hide away because she may show us what we don't want to see. In fact you can count on it!

Yes I can see inside someone, but I see all. Both light and shade. My brother called me abusive. Abusive, after all he has done to hurt us around him. Ha Ha...hummm. It's ironic really. We are all the most beautiful creatures but at the same time the most horrible monsters. This is how I can forgive so easily. I know we all have this paradox inside. That we are all everything at the same time. Love and fear at the same time. But we are not this at all. We are something else, something greater, we ARE. We just exist and all of these judgments are a human experience and not very important in the big picture.

So why does it hurt so much, if it doesn't matter? I suppose that it's after the pain and sorrow and suffering we find grace, understanding and compassion for both our selves and for each other if we allow it to run it's course.

I heard we don't have to suffer anymore to reach these things. Today I will not feel shame for choosing this hard road. I will allow myself these human emotions of anger, blame and self pity. I will notice the pain I felt from this choice and I will choose to forgive these others but most of all myself. I will end my suffering by loving the ones in my life who hurt me. They did it or do it because they are trying to help me. They do cause pain when trying to love me, but I allowed it.

Today I won't care who thinks I'm crazy, or wrong or in need of their help. I thank them for wanting to love me. I pray that when this happens again I will see the truth before I start to react and decide to abstain from my role in it all. I pray that I show my true self only to those who won't become hurt and offended. I am perfect just like all of us. So I will be myself somehow, I am an important part of the whole too after all.

I am different, I am new but I do belong and I'm not the only one.

I see my fear and I choose LOVE.