Out of my Manic Episode

I've been trying to make sense of my recent Manic Episode. I was up for many days, and had some beautiful personal revelations and experiences but it all came at a high price to those around me. I lost the ability to reason and time and space fell away for me. So with that I could no longer take care of my physical needs nor could I care for those around me who I had interdependence with. But beyond that I wanted to share my new experiences with my loved ones. I would call them or see them over and over and as I could not reason I lost my ability to communicate with them in any sense of the word. I became a burden that was draining my support of their health and happiness.

I have bipolar and so become depressed and manic at times. I get the depression at least twice a year and have learned to allow it and burden the people around me as little as possible. I haven't had the Mania in 15 years, at least not to this degree. It has always scared me in the past so I learned to avoid it. Recently I've been changing, by trying not to isolate and allowing myself to be who I really am, a social, adventurous person. I lost a lot of my irrational fears that use to block me in many ways.

The people in my life leaned toward the cautious side, even teetered on depression themselves. I've been meeting new people though. Some of whom embrace life and take risks and are successful sometimes.

Then I moved, and lost all my tools to help me cope and I slid rapidly into Mania. While I was accomplishing personal growth, almost all of my old relationships have been damaged, not just by the mania but by my new outlook. I get angry with those of my friends who hold the scared, cautious views that once drew us together and then bonded us. I am not really angry at them and don't blame or judge them for their beliefs, I am angry at myself for holding those thoughts for so long, thinking I was safe in that place. I was a prisoner and I knew it. I resented myself but didn't know how else to "survive." So as I change I see a lot of my old friends and family slip out of my life or gain a new distance at least. This is a huge loss for both me and them. It is something I need to allow and accept in order to be the person I'm meant to become. I wish happiness and peace to those I am not close to any longer. And to myself.

So now I'm working on not fearing the mania. I will lose all fear and hatred of both my depression and mania. The key is balance. Balance in all aspects of my life. I suspect that then I will become a whole, functioning, thriving human being. When I feel myself becoming depressed or manic I will notice and then nurture myself accordingly. When depressed I will slow my life down and take extra care of my needs like nutrition and social contact. When I become hypo-manic I will also slow down and use the extra energy toward my many projects while paying extra attention to my physical needs like sleep and special time alone.

I know myself best and am the only one who can give me exactly what I need. It's time to stop wanting others to understand me and care for me. I get understanding and care from those around me but no-one is as important for that as myself. Knowing myself means others can care for and love me. Caring for and loving myself means others can know me. I can know me. That isn't scary at all, that's exciting, adventurous and full of hope.

As I discover my needs and get them met I suspect my bipolar will lessen. I won't fear this disease any longer. I will use it to become my highest self, the best that I can.