I realized today that Mental Illness has nothing to do with the ideas I have. All of my ideas and beliefs are "right" although some of them may be misconceptions. Believing in conspiracies for example does not mean I am crazy. I think Mental Illness has more to do with the inability to care for my physical needs and relate to others at times in my life because of my thought processes (or EGO) becoming faulty or different.
Because I have been diagnosed with Bipolar there are some people in my family who honestly believe that at all times my ideas and thoughts are wrong and to understand me means that they too are flirting with insanity. What do I do with this new information? Is it information or is it a judgment as a reaction to the fear my loved ones had to my recent manic episode? Knowing that mania is usually followed by a depression can I trust any of my thoughts right now?
The depression feels like a pit in my heart. One filled with pain. I feel shame about this feeling because I know I'm not my highest self. I find my thoughts wanting to blame those around me because anger is easier to feel than shame. It's also safer for me. I don't want to go down the road of self loathing. So where does all this negativity come from? The medication? Fear of all the changes in my life? Fear of success or failure? Just fear.
I fear people looking at me as crazy. That thought envelopes me and that is clearly from ego. The truth is I am an artist who is highly creative in both making beautiful pictures and in creating radical ideas to solve problems. This is not different from others as we all have amazing gifts of our own. But what is different from some is that I don't care about taking care of my personal needs, like earning money to eat and pay rent ect. I would rather spend my time creating either art or solutions. That makes me dependent financially and people resent me for that. And they judge me as crazy. They see me as not a whole person. As someone faulty who needs others to take care of me.
I didn't realize this before but it is true. If I don't find a way to financially support myself I am faulty. Just getting married to my husband and allowing him to support me doesn't work for me. I lose my personal power that way. I can't decide how to live in ways like what clothes to wear, what to eat, what my surroundings are or when I can change these things. I lose a lot of my choices. (Of course it doesn't help that my husband and my tastes are almost opposite.)
So I think right now these negative emotions and thoughts are connected to my inability to earn a living. I believe things like "money is the root of all evil" and "people would do anything for money." While greed often causes horrific suffering, money has often caused the end of suffering. Unfortunately right now our basic human needs cost a lot of money. I certainly don't think it has to be this way, but it is. So money is necessary for me right now. (That statement stings!)
I would like to help create a world where money isn't needed to live a healthy life. Or at least one where everyone has the means to earn it. I have some ideas about that but am waiting for other people to collaborate with. That is futile though. So in the meantime I need to start making money. Ugggg
Today I will do something even for half an hour to do that.
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