Our Sensitive Dream

I've been thinking lately about people who are "too" sensitive. People who seem to not fit into the cool crowd. People who have a mental illness, even a little bit of depression. Or people with so called learning disabilities. Maybe even people with autism, severe allergies, and anger problems. I have left out many others, I'm sure. I think there are so many people sensitive to the world we live in because we as a human race are changing. We can't tolerate all the bullshit anymore. Weather it's toxins in our food and environment or the blatant numbing, uncaring attitude taken by so many people. We aren't allowing it any more.

Times are changing. Many can feel it and are adjusting. We are separating ourselves from those in our lives who are hurtful. Many people are changing their diets to accommodate our sensitive bodies as well. The sale of organic food has become cheaper and more available as the demand for it rises. Many people have learned the benefits of nature walks which I think will lead to a caring for the earth, an area we're still behind in.

As a "sensitive" person I have hope that things are heading to a beautiful future, full of authentic interactions between people and nurturing treatment of ourselves and our environment. I believe us "sensitive" people can't flourish in the sick world we have today and so will become teachers to create this beautiful world I know is on its way. I see bits and pieces of it everywhere. To those who are struggling as a "sensitive" person, please have hope in the knowledge that the world needs us to shake up all the muck and clear it away for a beautiful tomorrow.

We have a responsibility to, as gently as possible, take care of our special needs so we can become beacons for others, teaching adventure, compassion and sustainability along the way.

My Aunties

When I was two and a half my mom was diagnosed with postpartum depression. She was hospitalized for a month at least. Not only did my grandparents fill in her role as main caretakers but so did my three aunts. Then as mom got better over the years the aunts kept mothering. They overstepped that boundary and didn't seem to notice or care that it hurt my mom.

When I was 18 I was diagnosed with a mental illness and everyone in my family started treating me like a child or "special". The same way my mom was treated her whole life. That's wrong.

I don't need to justify myself to anyone that I'm normal. I am, the end. :D

Yes I have bipolar,
Yes one aunt was hurt by men,
Yes another isolates and is insecure,
and Yes the third has depression.

Nobody is perfect. I've realized I can always love and forgive anyone for anything. We can all be assholes at times. Many of us haven't transcended Karma yet.

So while I send forgiveness and love energy to all my Aunties, I'm left wondering why some people after hearing a bit about my life start mothering or "saving" me. Silly people, only I can save myself! Ya, I had a manic episode. It happens when you have bipolar. I'm what the doctors call high-functioning. I had a full out bipolar episode complete with full psychosis and was still only hospitalized for two one week stays.

I need help because not one of us can flurish alone not because I'm needy, poor, crazy or lonely. I'll do my best to ask for help whenI need it, if you do your best to not pity or feel sad for me. And please stop confusing my kindness for weakness.

All in LOVE and LIGHT,
Heather

What A Ride

I'm back from a full blown manic episode with psychosis and all. I am thankful for having it as a lot of good came from it. I'm talking again with two of my aunts I was estranged with. I have a new found respect for medication and Psychiatrists to help treat my bipolar. I now am not afraid to become manic any more. And the stories I was playing out were out of this world! Too bad none of it was real ;) I will tell the stories soon. You'd laugh :D

I also have a deep respect for my husband. It's not easy living separate from you're manic wife, working night shift, and making all her appointments. (We are legally separated and trying to reconcile... but that's another story for another time.) He has been my rock a pillar in the storm. I certainly have a new found respect for him and wish only good for him.

Here are some things I wrote while I was manic...

"I am not a lightworker anymore. If somebody tells me my channeling is bullshit, that's OK cuz you do not need to agree. We are on our own paths to ONE. Who says my "teachings" are better than yours. It is important to take action when needed, but as important to know when to sit back and allow. I trust that the whole knows more than I do. This message is for all that hear it, it evokes the exactly right feelings in everyone... Peace, not for THEM and US. Just for US. so stop fighting about it :P Just my opinion." (in response to someones channeled message as it sparked a huge debate about war and peace.)

"When I'm "manic" (sorry I don't remember what I called it before hospitalization. oh... connected to source, no "in light" :D) I often am called an Angel and people say oh my god, there is a GOD. I guess I'm here to help heal "Christianity" although I have a new found respect for the underlying message. So maybe that not belonging feeling is for a reason. Maybe as we, humanity, begin to evolve it manifests as being a profit in our past understanding. And as we all connect to each other, the ONE, GOD, UNIVERSE whatever, we stop needing to speak to communicate. The collective consciousness is integrating. We think a question and someone else, somewhere else answers it. Have you read the book The Chrysalis. It was a children's book I read in school, of all places, in the 70's. It changed my life."

"Amen! I have been doing this for the past 21 years. Once you got diagnosed how long did take you to realize it's Chi? In my family we laughed at all Eastern Philosophy... The hippie movement was a conspiracy to stop the study of eastern anything. There's a heavy shame that comes with the word Hippie. They're the big jokes of society. Like every time they figure out something profound some say, "Wooh where did that come from? Must have been all the acid I dropped in the sixties!" Self shaming by the drugs the CIA flooded the movement with. An attempt to block the inevitable enlightenment of the masses."

"Cool topic... I have bipolar or just waking up. But I'll explain what Bipolar is. It's deep Depression and deep Psychosis the doctor tells me. But on an energy level I swing from All my chakras too closed to "Normal" where my chi is balanced somewhat to my chakras not even registering except for my third eye and crown and they are waaaaaaaaay open. Depression is blocked energy and Mania or Psychosis is too open 6th and 7th Chakras. Balance is EVERYTHING when you have Bipolar. My whole life has been a struggle to balance my chi. Just recently I went on a raw diet and simultaneously became manic. I went from everything cooked and junk to everything pure, almost overnight. I believe my chakras were acting so weird because I was dieing. Ya my soul was evolving, too fast and my body stopped trying to keep up. I'm healing now and better for the experience because now I realize I need to respect my energy, and my body keeps me alive. I need to marry my lower chakras with my upper chakras and that's what opens my heart chakra. from Greg Braden. My heart is the key to enlightenment, not my crown. When I'm depressed and feel low on energy my chakra Solar Plexus is blocked but it is because it was too open for too long and needs a rest. So I care for my basic needs and it does build gradually. Start testing your chakras at home with a pendulum and you will quickly learn which needs what. But always respect the balance."

Magical Healing Mantra: Om Mani Padme Hum

Sinking into Deppression

I realized today that Mental Illness has nothing to do with the ideas I have. All of my ideas and beliefs are "right" although some of them may be misconceptions. Believing in conspiracies for example does not mean I am crazy. I think Mental Illness has more to do with the inability to care for my physical needs and relate to others at times in my life because of my thought processes (or EGO) becoming faulty or different.

Because I have been diagnosed with Bipolar there are some people in my family who honestly believe that at all times my ideas and thoughts are wrong and to understand me means that they too are flirting with insanity. What do I do with this new information? Is it information or is it a judgment as a reaction to the fear my loved ones had to my recent manic episode? Knowing that mania is usually followed by a depression can I trust any of my thoughts right now?

The depression feels like a pit in my heart. One filled with pain. I feel shame about this feeling because I know I'm not my highest self. I find my thoughts wanting to blame those around me because anger is easier to feel than shame. It's also safer for me. I don't want to go down the road of self loathing. So where does all this negativity come from? The medication? Fear of all the changes in my life? Fear of success or failure? Just fear.

I fear people looking at me as crazy. That thought envelopes me and that is clearly from ego. The truth is I am an artist who is highly creative in both making beautiful pictures and in creating radical ideas to solve problems. This is not different from others as we all have amazing gifts of our own. But what is different from some is that I don't care about taking care of my personal needs, like earning money to eat and pay rent ect. I would rather spend my time creating either art or solutions. That makes me dependent financially and people resent me for that. And they judge me as crazy. They see me as not a whole person. As someone faulty who needs others to take care of me.

I didn't realize this before but it is true. If I don't find a way to financially support myself I am faulty. Just getting married to my husband and allowing him to support me doesn't work for me. I lose my personal power that way. I can't decide how to live in ways like what clothes to wear, what to eat, what my surroundings are or when I can change these things. I lose a lot of my choices. (Of course it doesn't help that my husband and my tastes are almost opposite.)

So I think right now these negative emotions and thoughts are connected to my inability to earn a living. I believe things like "money is the root of all evil" and "people would do anything for money." While greed often causes horrific suffering, money has often caused the end of suffering. Unfortunately right now our basic human needs cost a lot of money. I certainly don't think it has to be this way, but it is. So money is necessary for me right now. (That statement stings!)

I would like to help create a world where money isn't needed to live a healthy life. Or at least one where everyone has the means to earn it. I have some ideas about that but am waiting for other people to collaborate with. That is futile though. So in the meantime I need to start making money. Ugggg

Today I will do something even for half an hour to do that.

Out of my Manic Episode

I've been trying to make sense of my recent Manic Episode. I was up for many days, and had some beautiful personal revelations and experiences but it all came at a high price to those around me. I lost the ability to reason and time and space fell away for me. So with that I could no longer take care of my physical needs nor could I care for those around me who I had interdependence with. But beyond that I wanted to share my new experiences with my loved ones. I would call them or see them over and over and as I could not reason I lost my ability to communicate with them in any sense of the word. I became a burden that was draining my support of their health and happiness.

I have bipolar and so become depressed and manic at times. I get the depression at least twice a year and have learned to allow it and burden the people around me as little as possible. I haven't had the Mania in 15 years, at least not to this degree. It has always scared me in the past so I learned to avoid it. Recently I've been changing, by trying not to isolate and allowing myself to be who I really am, a social, adventurous person. I lost a lot of my irrational fears that use to block me in many ways.

The people in my life leaned toward the cautious side, even teetered on depression themselves. I've been meeting new people though. Some of whom embrace life and take risks and are successful sometimes.

Then I moved, and lost all my tools to help me cope and I slid rapidly into Mania. While I was accomplishing personal growth, almost all of my old relationships have been damaged, not just by the mania but by my new outlook. I get angry with those of my friends who hold the scared, cautious views that once drew us together and then bonded us. I am not really angry at them and don't blame or judge them for their beliefs, I am angry at myself for holding those thoughts for so long, thinking I was safe in that place. I was a prisoner and I knew it. I resented myself but didn't know how else to "survive." So as I change I see a lot of my old friends and family slip out of my life or gain a new distance at least. This is a huge loss for both me and them. It is something I need to allow and accept in order to be the person I'm meant to become. I wish happiness and peace to those I am not close to any longer. And to myself.

So now I'm working on not fearing the mania. I will lose all fear and hatred of both my depression and mania. The key is balance. Balance in all aspects of my life. I suspect that then I will become a whole, functioning, thriving human being. When I feel myself becoming depressed or manic I will notice and then nurture myself accordingly. When depressed I will slow my life down and take extra care of my needs like nutrition and social contact. When I become hypo-manic I will also slow down and use the extra energy toward my many projects while paying extra attention to my physical needs like sleep and special time alone.

I know myself best and am the only one who can give me exactly what I need. It's time to stop wanting others to understand me and care for me. I get understanding and care from those around me but no-one is as important for that as myself. Knowing myself means others can care for and love me. Caring for and loving myself means others can know me. I can know me. That isn't scary at all, that's exciting, adventurous and full of hope.

As I discover my needs and get them met I suspect my bipolar will lessen. I won't fear this disease any longer. I will use it to become my highest self, the best that I can.

From Shame to LOVE

Today was very difficult for me. I've been through many changes lately and in the process lost my old ego. I am now or becoming the woman I always knew I was. My problem today is that the few people left in my life don't see me yet, they only have eyes for the old me. And when they see the new me talk they say well that's not Heather... something must be wrong with her.

You see when I change the people around me mourn the old me. They say if she is the true Heather then I've lost the one I've grown to love. This new person feels different, strange, weird and she doesn't make sense. She reflects my ugliness not only my beauty. I don't like this new veiw, this new truth. I miss the Heather who sees me shine when everyone else says I'm scuffed.

It's like they've become addicted to me reflecting only their beauty to them. I will always be able to do that for them, don't they see that. But is it fair to ask me to hide all the shadows I see in them too. If others need me to show them the beautiful perfect person inside, that's fine. But now I've become a side show freak, to hide away because she may show us what we don't want to see. In fact you can count on it!

Yes I can see inside someone, but I see all. Both light and shade. My brother called me abusive. Abusive, after all he has done to hurt us around him. Ha Ha...hummm. It's ironic really. We are all the most beautiful creatures but at the same time the most horrible monsters. This is how I can forgive so easily. I know we all have this paradox inside. That we are all everything at the same time. Love and fear at the same time. But we are not this at all. We are something else, something greater, we ARE. We just exist and all of these judgments are a human experience and not very important in the big picture.

So why does it hurt so much, if it doesn't matter? I suppose that it's after the pain and sorrow and suffering we find grace, understanding and compassion for both our selves and for each other if we allow it to run it's course.

I heard we don't have to suffer anymore to reach these things. Today I will not feel shame for choosing this hard road. I will allow myself these human emotions of anger, blame and self pity. I will notice the pain I felt from this choice and I will choose to forgive these others but most of all myself. I will end my suffering by loving the ones in my life who hurt me. They did it or do it because they are trying to help me. They do cause pain when trying to love me, but I allowed it.

Today I won't care who thinks I'm crazy, or wrong or in need of their help. I thank them for wanting to love me. I pray that when this happens again I will see the truth before I start to react and decide to abstain from my role in it all. I pray that I show my true self only to those who won't become hurt and offended. I am perfect just like all of us. So I will be myself somehow, I am an important part of the whole too after all.

I am different, I am new but I do belong and I'm not the only one.

I see my fear and I choose LOVE.

Indigo Child vs. Lightworker

I now call myself Lightworker and not Indigo Child and this is why. A few years ago I was listening to a lot of info on the Internet to do with New Age ideas. I was hungry at the time for an explanation why I had all these beautiful experiences of pure bliss, ecstasy and complete peace and thoughts of loving everyone and everything, while my friends, family and it seemed most everyone else didn’t. The knowledge of how to attain these things seemed to flow to me easily as well.

One day I was listening to Doreen Virtue on Hay House Radio and she told one of her callers Bev (not her real name) that she was an Indigo Child meaning that she was here on earth to transform negative energy into positive energy. This was why Bev was depressed as she was absorbing the negativity around her. Doreen gave the advice of draining the negativity into the earth using visualization. The earth has the ability to transform negative into positive energy. As soon as I heard this I was hooked because I can identify with all of that.

So I took her advice and started draining the negativity I was holding. I’ve never felt so free! Next I needed to find out as much as I could about Indigo Children. I could identify with most of it and voila I became an Indigo. There was only one problem, the websites said we get very angry and fight when we hear lies, or injustice of any kind. This is true of me, and learning why I do this I now felt justified in my outbursts with others causing my anger to escalate. So now I felt terrible self-generated negativity not to mention becoming ostracized from my peers by all my judgement and lectures, after all I was put on this earth to teach others right from wrong. Then there’s the separation, even superiority that comes from being an ascented master who chose to come back to raise others up to my level.

Then I got into a debate online about weather or not Indigos exist. While I don’t have much regard for the women I was debating I met someone there who helped me see some things clearer. Although I still don’t fully agree with them.

Now almost a year later these are my revised opinions of Indigo Children. Thinking I was one helped me to understand the evolution process as I do today. As well I learned the purpose for anger, which has been a lifelong issue for me, and the importance of keeping it in check. Believing there was a small number of special “masters” that I was one of for a short time actually showed me we are all on the same path to enlightenment and that I still have as much work to do as anyone else. The only difference between me, and the ones still in the old paradigm is my conscious awareness of our/my ascention. I see unaware people learning the same lessons as I am leading their souls toward the same place as me weather they are aware of it or not. When they are ready they too will wake up, this life or the next but soon. Awareness I can try to teach but not how to ascent.

I believe in Indigos and still identify myself as one when I hear them spoken of. Just as I use the word God with Christians when I speak of the Universe. We trip up on words far too often and in all the hurt feelings the meanings we are trying to get across go unexpressed. So I attempt to be politically correct whenever possible for the sake of communication.

The mistakes that were made in defining Indigos were an important part of my ascention and I wouldn’t dream consciously taking that away from anyone else’s journey.

I now call myself a Lightworker because it seems to fit me best at this time. Next year who knows? Hee Hee