Today was very difficult for me. I've been through many changes lately and in the process lost my old ego. I am now or becoming the woman I always knew I was. My problem today is that the few people left in my life don't see me yet, they only have eyes for the old me. And when they see the new me talk they say well that's not Heather... something must be wrong with her.
You see when I change the people around me mourn the old me. They say if she is the true Heather then I've lost the one I've grown to love. This new person feels different, strange, weird and she doesn't make sense. She reflects my ugliness not only my beauty. I don't like this new veiw, this new truth. I miss the Heather who sees me shine when everyone else says I'm scuffed.
It's like they've become addicted to me reflecting only their beauty to them. I will always be able to do that for them, don't they see that. But is it fair to ask me to hide all the shadows I see in them too. If others need me to show them the beautiful perfect person inside, that's fine. But now I've become a side show freak, to hide away because she may show us what we don't want to see. In fact you can count on it!
Yes I can see inside someone, but I see all. Both light and shade. My brother called me abusive. Abusive, after all he has done to hurt us around him. Ha Ha...hummm. It's ironic really. We are all the most beautiful creatures but at the same time the most horrible monsters. This is how I can forgive so easily. I know we all have this paradox inside. That we are all everything at the same time. Love and fear at the same time. But we are not this at all. We are something else, something greater, we ARE. We just exist and all of these judgments are a human experience and not very important in the big picture.
So why does it hurt so much, if it doesn't matter? I suppose that it's after the pain and sorrow and suffering we find grace, understanding and compassion for both our selves and for each other if we allow it to run it's course.
I heard we don't have to suffer anymore to reach these things. Today I will not feel shame for choosing this hard road. I will allow myself these human emotions of anger, blame and self pity. I will notice the pain I felt from this choice and I will choose to forgive these others but most of all myself. I will end my suffering by loving the ones in my life who hurt me. They did it or do it because they are trying to help me. They do cause pain when trying to love me, but I allowed it.
Today I won't care who thinks I'm crazy, or wrong or in need of their help. I thank them for wanting to love me. I pray that when this happens again I will see the truth before I start to react and decide to abstain from my role in it all. I pray that I show my true self only to those who won't become hurt and offended. I am perfect just like all of us. So I will be myself somehow, I am an important part of the whole too after all.
I am different, I am new but I do belong and I'm not the only one.
I see my fear and I choose LOVE.
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